Keeping The Flame Alive:Top 10 relationship Killers?

Do fairytale romances always have happy endings? And can love at first sight endure the long haul?

By Matthew Hutson, published on January 01, 2008 - last reviewed on February 05, 2009

Are lovers at first sight truly meant to be? That depends on how much they're willing to work to maintain passion once the smoke clears from Cupid's initial offensive.

A study of 137 couples found no difference in commitment, intimacy, or relationship quality between those who fell in love at first sight and those who were friends first. The friends-first partners had more similar personalities, and similarity creates more long-term harmony—opposites sometimes attract but less frequently adhere. But the Romeos and Juliets had an edge: more passion—even after an average relationship length of 25 years.

Researcher Pieternel Dijkstra of the University of Groningen notes that the subject pool was not necessarily representative: "I suspect that a lot of people who fell in love at first sight may already have divorced." She says initial infatuation is driven largely by lust—a beast rumored to be ephemeral. But that's not a death sentence for instant paramours committed to fueling the flames. Just look at the success stories who were in the study. There was one compatibility hurdle that even these dedicated romantics could not overcome, though: Passion couldn't compensate for differences in conscientiousness, a total drag on relationship quality.

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Top 10 Relationship Killers

The saddest thing I hear on the therapy couch is someone telling me that they've killed their relationship through what they have or haven't done.
In fact, certain actions are relationship killers. Here are some areas where action-or inaction-will make all the difference.

1. Money. It is the number one cause of divorce. If a partner has been unscrupulous, getting the trust back can be a challenge. You can start over, but you have to be willing to make up for what was lost and make sure the business side of your relationship is tuned-up.

2. Sex/infidelity. A sexless marriage or unfaithfulness can extinguish love quicker than blowing out a candle. Don't let the flame burn out when keeping things warm is much easier than you think.

3. Disrespect. If you call your partner names, belittle him or her, threaten to leave, or use insulting language and yell, research shows that your relationship has a very low chance of survival.

4. Children. To some, children are bipedal germ carriers; to others, they are a reason for living. When families blend or go through difficult changes, the kids can become the entire focus of your relationship. Make sure to keep things in balance with your partner, so you have the energy to deal with any child issues.

5. Opposite-sex friends. First introduce your partner to your friends so he or she gets to know them a little, and talk with your partner about keeping appropriate boundaries. A good mate would never ask you to give up life-long friendships - but keep in mind that you need to be open about those relationships.

6. Resentments. When you are holding pain, hurt, or anger in your heart, there is little room for love. If you are harboring some resentment (and who isn't?), talk it out and put it to rest, so you can enjoy your relationship.

7. Discomfort/remodeling. If you are living in a construction zone, it's pretty hard to feel comfortable. Injury or illness can create a similar situation. Your home should be a place of serenity, so if you are remodeling or are dealing with physical issues, make your comfort a priority.

8. Lying/broken promises. Once you have been caught in a lie or break a promise, things change-and not for the better. Even if you're afraid of "getting in trouble," tell the whole truth and don't break promises, and find a way to make up for past mistakes.

9. Laziness. All good relationships require work. If you are unwilling to do it, your connection will diminish and you will begin to resent your partner. Talking about the kind of work your relationship needs is a good start.

10. Being mean. If you punish your partner when you don't get your way, or if the two of you give each other the silent treatment, you are headed for a lifetime of emotional pain. Stop the nastiness and learn how to heal what bugs you.

It's not very complicated. Avoid these relationship killers, and keep the love alive in your life.


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